


Who Really Wrote The Bible?

by Torlek



Category: Christian Bible (Old Testament), Hebrew Bible, Torah (Hebrew Bible), תלמוד | Talmud, תנ"ך | Tanakh
Genre: Anachronisms, Biblical Criticism, Biblical Reinterpretation, Higher Criticism, Humor, Multiple opinions, Religious Humor, Source Criticism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2020-12-17 08:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21051284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torlek/pseuds/Torlek
Summary: A humorous account of who really wrote the first canonized books of the Bible, and how they were canonized. [And teasing contradictory texts in Mishnaic and/or Talmudic style.]





	1. Heavenly Voice

Long ago, a few rabbis posing as scribes huddled together for a major announcement. A heavenly voice was about to announce the mortal whose words were also the words of the living God. In other words, whose words would get to become the first canonized books of the Bible. All of them made many arguments for the sake of Heaven just to get to this point.

Said Rabbi J, "The heavenly voice is on my side, guys. My words are the words of the living God."

Said Rabbi E, "Don't count on it! That voice will announce me as the Bible winner!"

Said Rabbi P, "Oh, really? My stuff will be determined to be the single correct version! It's only a matter of moments."

Said Rabbi D, "No way, pals! This, my masterpiece, will be judged as the one correct version to kick-start Project Bible. Your second-rate tidbits here and there are not up to the standards for authoritative consideration!"

Then did the heavenly voice indeed make a major announcement.

"Mashugana! Mashugana! All this!" came the pronouncement.

The scribes became startled and turned to one of their own, Rabbi R.

"What did the heavenly voice say?" they asked in unison.

Said Rabbi R, pointing to each leading scribe present, "Your words, and your words, and your words, and your words, are all words of the living God."

In truth, even Rabbi R could not comprehend the exasperation and even confusion that the heavenly voice had expressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Bible quotations found in future chapters come from the NJPS version, unless specified otherwise.


	2. In The Beginning

"Yahweh with one word created the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars. He stretched out the skies like a tent cloth to shroud the Deep, and placed his secret court above the skies, founding it above the Higher Waters. In creating, Yahweh rode above the Deep, which rose against him. Tehom, queen of the Deep, sought to drown out Yahweh's Creation, but he rode against her in his chariot of fire, and bombarded her with hail and with lightning. Yahweh destroyed her vassal Leviathan with one great blow to the monster's skull, while he ended Rahab by thrusting a sword into her heart. The waters fled backward, awed by the voice of Yahweh, and Tehom fearfully surrendered. Yahweh shouted his triumph, and dried up the floods. He set the Moon to divide the seasons, and the Sun to divide the day and night. Observing Yahweh's victory, the Morning Stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy. Thus the work of Creation was completed." (Harold Bloom, _The Book of J_)

Just what was there in the beginning, at least apart from God?

Said Rabbi J, "There was Leviathan! There was Leviathan! One big bad primordial monster!"

Said Rabbi P, "Calm down! There was a flat substance, but one otherwise unformed and void, deep within some really abysmal water."

Said Rabbi E, "Great! Terrific! Just wait until some wise guy comes along with some eternity of the world thesis! This used to be my story, you know!"

Said Rabbi D, "Does it really matter? We should only inquire about the greater scheme of things since the creation of man."

Popped in some Rabbi Eliezer in the name of R. D., who said, "Under no circumstances should we inquire about the greater scheme of things before the creation of man!"

For this interloper, belief in creation out of nothing was more than enough.

Meanwhile, Rabbi R had quite a decision to make.

"Rabbi J, do you really want Project Bible to start off with the claim that there's a monster beneath the bed?" he chided.

Turning to another, he said, "Rabbi D, I'm afraid what you said was a non-answer. It'll have to wait until the proper intro for your stuff."

Transcending the misunderstandings of all these scribes, the heavenly voice contemplated whether advanced competing models of cosmology, including the Big Bang and formation inside black holes, could be conveyed to these highly deliberative minds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: No, "Rabbi E" never complained in real life about Aristotle's eternity of the world thesis. Interestingly, formation inside black holes as an alternative cosmological model to the Big Bang model is a very non-literal echo of tohu wabohu we'hosek al-pene tehom.


	3. What Does "Dominion" Mean?

"They serve us. That is the greatness of men. When the Creator finished making the sky, the ground, the sea, and this beast, He wasn't satisfied. He needed something greater, something to take dominion over it and subdue it." (Tubal-Cain, _Noah_)

What does "dominion" mean?

Began Rabbi J, enthusiastically, "It means domination!"

"God created the first man first," he declared, "before grasses, shrubs, trees, animals, and even the first woman. That's how important we men are!"

"Just as God defeated Leviathan in order to make earth and heaven," he stressed, "so did the first man exercise domination over the likes of cattle, wild beasts, birds, and even the first woman."

"How?" he asked rhetorically, "By naming. Naming is an act of power. It is an act of domination!"

"I mean, the first man did name the first woman not once, but twice," he added.

Rabbi P was not impressed.

"That's right, folks," he snarked, "this world is ours to do with as we wish. We need no commandments whatsoever, you see, but ten. Those alone will be given to Moses at Sinai!"

"No!" he snapped, "It means stewardship!"

"Right from the onset," he elaborated, "our early ancestors were allotted every seed-bearing plant life, but only to consume as food. These were not allotted to be chopped and thrown away on a whim! Heck, our early ancestors were allotted only these things as acceptable food!"

"The land is God's," he pointed out, "and we are but strangers resident with the Divine."

Said Rabbi D, "I must concur with Rabbi P. The heavens belong to God, and so do the earth and all that is on it."

It was Rabbi E's turn.

"What dominion?" he asked rhetorically, "What domination? What stewardship?"

"It doesn't matter whether this earth belongs to God or not," he explained, "although I think a more distant God suggests the latter."

"Ironically, this very distance rules out some direct mandate for us to exercise domination," he surmised.

"What matters," he went to the point, "is that we were gifted one world and one world only. We were not gifted two or more worlds. This means that, if we ruin or devastate this one world, there will be no one after us to fix it!"

While Rabbi R struggled to comprehend this, the heavenly voice understood and appreciated the underlying environmental perspective all too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Contrary to popular misconceptions about Genesis 2:15 and 1:28, it was "Rabbi J" who subscribed to a domination theology, while it was "Rabbi P" who subscribed to a responsible stewardship theology. While the former never declared in real life that naming is an act of power, it has been argued by scholars that this was an expression of an underlying belief in a domination theology.
> 
> No, "Rabbi P" never snarked in real life the words of Berakhot 1:4 (3c) from the Jerusalem Talmud, concerning his colleague's unique legal collection of only ten commandments somewhere.
> 
> No, "Rabbi E" never paraphrased in real life the environmental message of Kohelet Rabbah 7:13 from an eighth-century midrash; the latter was influenced by the "distant God" perspective of the former.


	4. Original Sin And Foil

Just what is the moral nature, or inclination, of human beings?

Said Rabbi J, "We are all inclined towards wickedness, and only wickedness! The schemes of our minds are evil from our youths! Not only that, but every scheme hatched in our minds is nothing but evil, every single time!"

Snarked Rabbi P, "Right! We, corrupt by choice and condemned by justice, have produced progeny that are both corrupt and condemned? Sin came into the world, not least because of that oh-so forbidden tree of knowledge of yours, and spiritual death came through sin?"

The latter continued, "I say that God saw all our inclinations that had been made, and deemed them to be very morally good! I say that God saw even that oh-so forbidden tree of knowledge of yours, and deemed it to be very morally good for eating!"

The former shot back, "Right! We are naturally good, and it is only through human institutions that we become wicked?"

Off to the side, Rabbi E whispered to Rabbi R, "I just love these high-stakes scribal debates! Where else can you get fundamental subjects, such as original sin and its foil, to be discussed?"

Rabbi D stepped forward and put forth his own position to the debaters, "God has set before us life and death, and also good and evil. Not only must we choose life, but we can realize it!"

Rabbi R could not help but agree with Rabbi D.

"Amen, Brother!" he declared, which pleased the heavenly voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: No, "Rabbi P" never snarked in real life the words of the Christian St. Augustine to misconstrue his colleague's opinion deliberately, nor did he snark Paul the Apostle's words in Romans 5:12. Scholarly speaking, the position of "Rabbi J" concerning "original sin" was more pessimistic than those later developments.
> 
> Likewise, no, "Rabbi J" never snarked in real life the words of Jean-Jacques Rousseau to misconstrue his colleague's opinion deliberately.


	5. God's Bodies (Or Not)

The sages, Rabbi J, Rabbi E, Rabbi P, and Rabbi D, declared God to have a body. Rabbi R concurred.

However, the heavenly voice scoffed without hesitation at their primitive consensus. The incorporeal reaction could never, ever be the rolling of one's eyes.

Said Rabbi E, "God is oh-so-fluid! He can become manifest to us in one place or in many places! He, at any time, can become manifest to us in one body or in many bodies! Just as the foreigners' gods can become alive in many statues, so can our God, and then some!"

Said Rabbi J, "I'll go further than you! God has soles, ankles, knees, loins, hips, fingers, arms, a neck, a head, a chin, a mouth, a tongue, nostrils, and eyes! One day, someone lucky enough to receive a heavenly vision could even measure the span of each of these parts!"

The heavenly voice reacted with the desire to do a facepalm. No corporeal hand or corporeal head was handy, however.

Said Rabbi P sarcastically, "Yes, that's right, so much so that each body part has a secret name!"

"None can see God's face and live!" he threw down his proverbial hammer and continued, "Moreover, God, has one body only! It is the Presence, something blinding with magnificent radiance all around! This Presence, in turn, sets up shop only in the Sanctuary!"

Rabbi D felt uncomfortable with how the discussion before him unfolded.

"We must be most careful for our sakes," he expressed his being terrified, "We cannot see a shape when God speaks to us out of the fire!"

"God has one body only," he stated before arguing, "but it can only be in heaven! In this world, God's so-called 'manifestation' is not some Presence, but rather the Name!"

Unbeknownst to them all, including Rabbi R, the heavenly voice turned to a human soul yet to be born, yet one that was appointed.

"One day, you will challenge those who follow them, challenge them to liken any single body, any single form, to Me," came the Divine pronouncement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: No, "Rabbi J" never paraphrased in real life the extreme anthropomorphism of the Shi'ur Komah; the latter was influenced by the former.
> 
> The human soul spoken to by the heavenly voice is that of the first truly monotheistic prophet in the Bible, Second Isaiah.


	6. Divine Conception (Or Not)

Is Divine conception possible?

Began Rabbi J, enthusiastically, "Absolutely is Divine conception possible! I'll add that, not only is this great miracle possible, but it comes in the form of a special, personal visitation in the form of a body! Oh, and earlier, I gave my description of that body."

"I mean," he continued, "God visited the likes of Sarah as had been promised, no?"

Snarked a most disagreeable Rabbi P, "Great! You might as well have proclaimed something equally special!"

Indeed, he merely ratcheted up the sarcasm.

"Hail Sarah," he said, "not just favoured one, but full of grace, also! The Divine is with you! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Isaac!'"

His sarcasm was met with utter astonishment on the part of his colleagues.

He continued, nonetheless, "God merely took note of Sarah as had been Divinely promised! God merely remembered her as had been said Divinely! God merely granted special providence to her!"

Despite his disclosed views on Divine bodies, Rabbi E felt a bit squeamish. To him, dreams served as the primary means of Divine communication with mortals. If physical manifestations in the presence of mortals had to be involved, he preferred those of angels.

Spoke Rabbi E, "I must concur with Rabbi J, however reluctantly. Divine conception is possible, but I must stress that this involves no sexual encounter at all! This Divine intervention does, however, require close proximity to the Divine, to God."

Stated Rabbi D, "Well, based on what I said earlier, I must concur with Rabbi P."

Unbeknownst to the debaters and even to Rabbi R, the heavenly voice scoffed at the varying opinions that had been aired. None of the mortals could grasp that every human conception was a Divine conception from the outset, formed wisely so as to combine miraculously organs, arteries, tissues, and sinews. None of them could grasp fully that, were any of these to malfunction badly enough, no human would survive, let alone before the Divine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: At the time of original writing, 'Twas the season, hence the chapter.
> 
> No, "Rabbi P" never snarked in real life any paraphrase of the first part of the Catholic "Hail Mary" prayer, so as to misconstrue the Divine Conception position of "Rabbi J" regarding Sarah's conception of Isaac. The three subsequent declarations are, in fact, paraphrases of at least three Jewish translations of Genesis 21:1 (NJPS, Judaica Press, and Kaplan), translations which render pakad as anything but "visit."
> 
> The perspective of the heavenly voice is inspired by the Jewish blessing Asher Yatzar ("Who Formed").


	7. Angels Or No Angels

Should one believe in angels?

Exclaimed Rabbi E, "Yes! Absolutely! Absolutely should one believe in angels!"

"Once upon a time, the patriarch Jacob dreamed," he elaborated, "He beheld not just some ladder, but a big and beautiful stairway. Travelling up and down on this were – you guessed it – angels."

"That's why Bethel is a sacred place," he smirked.

"Another time," he continued, "an angel caused a donkey to talk, preventing the foreigner Balaam from cursing our ancestors."

"Oh, oh," he spoke before forgetting, "there's this one Angel of God who traversed in front of our ancestors in the form of a pillar of fire!"

It was the turn of Rabbi J.

"Of course angels exist," he said, "and not just good angels, but fallen angels, too."

"It was fallen angels, or sons of God, who took wives for themselves and sired the Nephilim before the Flood," he explained.

"Two good angels, however, flanked the LORD in a personal appearance before Abraham," he added.

"Then there's the one Angel of the LORD," he mentioned, "It was this one Angel who appeared to Moses himself, from a burning bush."

Then Rabbi D quipped, "Who cares?"

Some in his school believed in angels, while others did not.

Rabbi P would have none of this.

"This is all heresy!" he snapped, "According to you two, there can even be two powers in Heaven! Your one big Angel can even be some Logos of the living God, holding all things together and binding all the parts, so that they don't disappear or break up!"

"In all my stories," he spoke more calmly, "no angels were present, for this world is an ordered one. The way to commune with God is through specific priests performing specific sacrifices in specific manners during specific times."

The offended ones took the opportunity to chide their colleague.

"So says one whose school trains students claiming to have seen exotic angels such as Chayot Ha Kodesh, Ophanim, and Hashmallim!" countered Rabbi E.

"So says one whose school assigns wrong roles to the Cherubim," pointed out Rabbi J, "Like, a lowly buffer for God's podium, as opposed to elite guards?"

While Rabbi R was impressed with this debate, the heavenly voice was not. The participants did not appreciate that any human could inadvertently become a Divine messenger during some appointed time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: No, "Rabbi P" never mentioned in real life Plato's binitarianism as a widespread belief within Second Temple Judaism, so as to misconstrue the "Angel of God" or the "Angel of the LORD."
> 
> Likewise, no, "Rabbi E" did not know in real life the angelic ranks according to Ezekiel.


	8. Marrying Your Brother's Widow

"'Do not uncover the nakedness of your brother's wife' (Lev. 18:16) and '[When brothers dwell together and one of them dies and leaves no son, the wife of the deceased shall not be married to a stranger, outside the family.] Her husband's brother shall unite with her' (Deut. 25:5). Both of them were spoken simultaneously, such that the mouth is unable to utter and the ear unable to hear." (_Jerusalem Talmud_, Nedarim 3:2)

How should marriage to one's brother's childless widow, or levirate marriage, be treated?

Began Rabbi J, "This is a time-honored custom of our people. Failure to perform this could invite negative Divine consequences."

Added an enthusiastic Rabbi D, "You underestimate the value of this custom. I say it's Divinely inspired. I say…"

Snapped a surprisingly offended Rabbi P, "What? Are you two crazy? It's an abomination! It's…"

"Allow me to continue, good sir!" demanded Rabbi D, "I say it's a commandment! Men ought to be publicly shamed if they weasel their way out of this! A childless widow ought to be empowered to inflict public humiliation upon her weasel of a brother-in-law!"

"This complete sacrilege is crazier than even I thought!" lamented Rabbi P, "In a very twisted way, Rabbi J is half-right. There is a connection between levirate marriage and negative Divine consequences."

"However," he continued, "it is the very fulfillment of this abomination that is levirate marriage, rather than abstention from it, that invites negative Divine consequences!"

"Just how bad will they be?" he asked rhetorically, "Worse than outliving one's children, the consequences of having sexual relations with one's uncle's wife! Nothing but barrenness will arise from levirate marriage!"

Feeling neglected, Rabbi J spoke up, "You're quite passionate about this particular topic, aren't you?"

"It's because I've got a bigger bombshell on the institution of marriage than this exceptional abomination," Rabbi P alluded to broader thoughts of his on the institution of marriage.

Rabbi J and Rabbi D awaited the bombshell to come. So did Rabbi E and Rabbi R, and so did the heavenly voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: In real-life hindsight, it appears that the Jerusalem Talmud understated the extent of disagreement on this topic between all the relevant parties. Not only was the extent of disagreement between "Rabbi D" and "Rabbi P" understated, but the position of "Rabbi J" was neglected altogether.


End file.
